Another Easter on earth....He is risen!!!

This is our second Easter since Jason died, our sixth since Jerry's illness. I find myself changing..day by day, month by month. year by year. When Jason first died, all I could think about was the time when I would join him and be free from the sorrows of this life. I think this is very common for believing Mom's who have lost a child. But as time passes, I realize that God has a divine purpose for my life and I am content to seek His wisdom and His plan. I find myself desiring to know Jesus, really, really know him. I am no longer content to know of him or know about him....I want to know HIM. When Jason died, all I could think about was seeing him once again when the Lord called my name. Now, while my heart still leaps at the thought of seeing Jason once again, it is the face of Jesus that I long to see, the voice of the master that I long to hear. There is the longing to just know Him that has replaced much of the sorrow , a genuine desire to know His heart that has replaced the anxiety. As my love for Him grows it fills my soul with his peace. It is an on going process, to be sure, but I am beginning to see His purpose in this journey and I know that there is coming a day when I shall see Him face to face. Until that time, I can say this without any reservations...I know that my redeemer lives and I know the joy of my salvation. So, praise God, I will spend another Easter here on earth, rejoicing in greatest gift I have ever received....the gift of God's own son. And I shout with all the other saints of God from every corner of the earth....He is risen....praise God...He is risen!!!!!

Death.....the great teacher

I have not posted in a while. As I travel this road, I find myself searching my heart and the heart of God for his purpose my life. I quit asking why did Jerry get sick, why did Jason die, why does it seem that Jerry is not going to fully recover, and have begun to ask.....what is it that you want me to learn, how can those things that have seemed to turn my life upside down and break my heart in two. change and mold me into your image? As the Lord reveals things to my spirit, I find it harder and harder to put into words what is in my heart. We can learn much from the death of a loved one...but the lessons are hard learned and come at a great price. I have learned that much of what I thought I knew about my faith and my beliefs was simply not true. I have learned that it is not until we give up our "right to be blessed, our right to be healthy, our right to be prosperous" that God can begin to grant us the privilege to know his will for our lives. I never wanted to be broken, but I have found that it is not until I am broken that God can take the pieces and create the person he wants me to be . I never wanted to know gut wrenching sorrow, but I have learned that it is in sorrow, that we learn compassion, true kindness and find a prayer life that we never knew was possible. I never wanted to understand what it was like to watch my hopes and dreams die . but have found that from the ashes of death and sickness comes a life free from fear, free to say.......I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee my precious Jesus, I surrender all. And lastly, death has freed me from the need to "understand" those things that were never meant to be understood, to "accept" that which to me was not acceptable(sickness and death) and to truly set my mind on things above, always keeping that as my perspective. I do not believe I could have learned these things any other way. Had I seen the road ahead of my, I would have crumbled in fear, for the journey has not been easy. But as our precious Jason always said...God is good, all the time....and I am convinced every day, that God is indeed Good.....all the time.Amen

The unexpected road

Today I turn 61 years old....man that sounds old. I am not living the life I expected to live at this age. Like many others of my generation, I expected that Jerry and I would be working a little, traveling a little, spending lots of time with our children and grandchildren, be in a position to go on missions trips and find ways to serve others here in our community. I never imagined that I would be a full time caregiver for my precious husband, nor could I have ever imagined I would have returned one of my beautiful children back into the arms of his creator. I do not have any regrets in my life, just some unfulfilled dreams. But they were my dreams, not God's, they were my plans, not His. Yet, I am thankful that Jerry is still at my side and I am able to help him with the difficult journey that has become his life. I am thankful that I had 32 wonderful years with Jason and that he brought Daniela and Isabel and her whole family into our lives. I am grateful for my children ( Matt, Tara and Dan) and the children my heart has adopted ( Shane, Daniela, Heather and Maria) and all my beautiful grandchildren. I am grateful for all the friends that have blessed my life in the family of God . Life has taught me that we never know when God may call us home, and I have learned to have my lamp filled with oil and I await the coming of the Lord with great anticipation. Until that time, I am humbled by the love and mercy that God has shown to Jerry and me. Truly, God is good, all the time and his mercies are new every morning and they endure forevermore. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm not the great fixer....HE is.

I spend a portion of every day communicating with others who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is a most difficult journey and many are struggling with grief and guilt and pain. I am shocked by the sadness in this world, the never ending sorrow. Every day I wish I could ease their pain or lighten their burden. But somewhere in this journey, I have come to a place of surrender. Not just about Jason's death, but about Jerry's difficult journey. I have come to accept that I am not the great fixer, the one who makes it all better, the one who has to do it or no one else will. For some reason I got myself and my role in this universe confused with God, and His sovereign place in my life. I look back on the events that preceded Jason's death, and I realize that we all did everything we could to keep Jason with us. I do not believe that any child was loved more than Jason was, that any brother was loved more that Jason was, that any husband was loved more than Jason was.....that being said, all that love could not change what happened to Jason. Likewise, I look at Jerry's journey and say the same things...I do not believe any man has known a love any greater than the love I have for Jerry, I do not believe any children were ever more attentive and loving and giving than our children were to Jerry and yet all that love did not alter the course that God has ordained for his life. So, I have learned that it is not God that has changed in the past five years, it is me. It is not God who has failed in the fast five years, it is me....for I was foolish enough to believe that my love was enough to alter the course ordained for Jason and Jerry, when in fact, God's love did not just have Jerry and Jason in His plans, but me and Daniela and Tara, and Matt and Dan and untold others. So, after 61 years of life, I am beginning to redefine who I am in Christ and what my purpose is on this journey we call life. I do know this, I am glad to be free of the responsibility to fix everything, to make everything better.....I gladly hand that over to our creator, knowing that He is far more able to accomplish His purpose if I stay out of His way. I do not know how long I will be on this earth, or how long Jerry will be here, but I am confident of this....that there awaits a new earth for all of us who believe, where Jesus will rule and reign and all of our current sorrows will be no more....and I look forward to that day with great anticipation.

Learning in the valley

In recent weeks it has become clear to me that God has allowed the suffering and sorrow in our lives for a reason. I have come to realize, that it is in the valley of difficulty and heartache that we truly learn about God. It is in that place of weakness and brokenness that God can use us for his purpose. I am learning the timeless truths that are spoken in his word. I realize I can never be like Jesus as long as what I think or what I want is more important to me than what he thinks or wants of me. I can never hear God's voice as long as the "why me, why this, why Jason, why Jerry" keeps shouting in my soul and heart and mind. It is only when I lay it all down and truly, without any reservations say..."thy will, not mine be done", that God can finally step in and be who HE wants to be, do what HE wants to do, in my life. I struggle with the process, I struggle with the sorrow, I struggle with Jerry's struggling. But I know that God is at work. I know that His ways are not my ways but unlike mine, they are perfect and without flaw. I know that I want to be the salt of the earth, the light that shines in the darkness and if this is the price that I must pay to become that obedient child of God.....it is a small price compared to the promise of eternity with the King of King and Lord of Lords. I know there are many more lessons to learn, many more challenges ahead, but I am confident that He who began a good work in me is able to complete it....and He will, in His time, His way, for His purpose and His glory. I want to be a better student, a faster learner, a more obedient child.....I want Him to know that I love Him and desire to serve Him and I long for that day when I will be in His presence for eternity.

Jason........forever in my heart

On August 13, 2008, my son Jason left his earthly home and went to his eternal home with Jesus. It was the most difficult day of my life. There are some experiences that defy description, some places of sorrow that words could simply never describe...... Jason's death was that place for me. Yet a year later I can say with complete confidence that Jason is not dead, he is singing and dancing and rejoicing in a land free of sorrow and he is more alive than he ever was before. I still miss Jason. Tears still stream down my face when I see his picture or hear his voice on a recording. Nevertheless, if I could will him back to this place, I would not do so. I am convinced that our eternal home is so far beyond anything that we can imagine that I find great peace and joy in knowing that Jason is there and I look with great anticipation to that time when I shall be reunited with him . The past year has taught me much about faith and love and hope. It is my prayer that God will use Jason's death for His glory even more than he used Jason's life. This was Jason's prayer too, and I know that God heard him and is answering it in ways I will never know. So until that day when I too will rest in the everlasting arms of Jesus, I will keep my eyes on the cross and wait for the day when God will wipe away all the tears from our eyes....oh what a glorious day that will be.

Hurting, Helping, Healing

In three months I will be sixty-one years old. I have learned more about life and death and sorrow and survival in the past five years than in all the years that preceded them. HURTING....Jerry's illness and Jason's death have taken me to places of hurt and sorrow that I did not know were possible. They have also opened my eyes the the hurt and sorrow I see in others. I now see pain in the eyes of complete strangers, I see sorrow in the eyes of my loved ones, even when they are trying so hard to hide it. I see sadness in the eyes of my husband every time he watches others do for him the simplest things that he used to do for himself. I understand hurting, both mine and that of others.. is has been.one of the more difficult parts of this journey. HELPING...In the past five years, I have learned that there is great joy in helping someone who is hurting and great humility in accepting help when I am hurting. The latter, was a difficult lesson for me to learn. I have also learned that helping someone else who is hurting or grieving, at least momentarily eases your pain and accepting the loving help of others in the middle of your pain, at least momentarily, also eases your pain. It is God's plan, His purpose, His example, and it is without flaw. HEALING..there is no healing apart from feeling the hurt, accepting the help and surrendering it all back to the God who is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. There is no part of this journey that is unknown to Him, no tear goes unnoticed, no sorrow hidden from His loving eye. And it is the belief that He has the sovereign right to direct the path of our feet, to write the story that is our life....that frees us to heal. And everyday I am hurting less, looking for ways to help others more, and allowing the love and mercy of God to heal my broken heart. The journey continues and I accept that healing is a very long process. I thank God for his faithfulness, the promise of eternity, and the assurance that I am His and He is mine.....for truly God is Good...ALL THE TIME.