Getting Free

It is the desire of my heart not to be stuck in a place of grief and sorrow. Some days I think I have accomplished this goal, other days I wonder if I will ever accomplish this goal. On those days, it almost feels like to not be grieving is to say that life without Jason is ok with me and that simply will never be the case...NEVER. But I am fully aware that grief is not what defines love. As I wonder through this maze of emotions, I know one thing, I am grounded in one thing, and that is this....".The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning....Great is thy faithfulness, Oh Lord."( I remember singing that scripture to Jerry when he was in a coma for several weeks. And again I sang it to him every night while he was in the ICU at WakeMed, then for weeks at UNC and Duke hospitals.) That is where I want to be grounded all the time, in the steadfast love of God. That is what allows me not to be stuck in grief all the time. He reassures me daily that Jason is in His presence, free from everything that binds us here on earth, free to love His Lord, worship His Lord and praise His Lord unencumbered. I will always miss Jason for I am his mother...till the day I die, I will be his mother. But I am also painfully aware, that Jason was never mine...He belonged to God from the day he was concieved until the day God called him home, my head knows this but my heart is still trying to let go. So as I sit here in the early hours of the morning, thinking about how to go on with a life that is very different from the one I thought I would be living, I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning, that great is His faithfulness toward me, and most importantly, that His love for me is steadfast and never ceases. And I too, though encumbered with the sorrows of this world, I too, can join Jason and love my Lord, worship my Lord, and praise my Lord. Because of that truth, I am not stuck in a place of grief and sorrow.....I just visit there every now and then.

A very special grieving mother

It has become my privilege to become friends with some other grieving mothers. Our roads, while very different in some ways, are very much the same in others. We are all struggling to figure out how to live our lives without our sons. We are all trying to find a place of peace and rest on a journey that allows moments of peace, short times of rest, before we are thrown back to a memory that takes us back to our place of sorrow and grief. Each of the mothers I know, is struggling to maintain a relationship with God, to run to Him, to trust in Him, to be assured that our sons are safe in His presence. It is the journey of a grieving mothers heart. Then,my thoughts went to another grieving mother....Her name was Mary....Her son's name was Jesus. I wondered how her heart did not fail in grief and sorrow as she stood below the cross, seeing him suffer and cry out in agony. I wondered if she felt like she had to defend Him, when others blamed Him for being to out spoken, or doing something wrong that resulted in his own death. I wondered if she went home after they laid Him in the tomb, and fell to her knees and sobbed....can this be my life, can my son really be gone, how can I ever keep going? I wondered, even after He rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven, if she missed talking to Him, hugging Him, looking into His eyes....knowing He would be there when she needed Him? Was it different for her because her son was the Son of God, or was her pain like ours because she was human and this was her son and her sorrow and loss were very real like ours? One day, I will meet her. I do not expect that the answers to those questions will really matter then...to either of us, but this I do know. She allowed herself to be used by God and, to watch her son die a horrible death. I have a new appreciation for Mary. To be honest with you, other than at Christmas when we all think about the birth of Jesus and identify with her as a birthing mother, I have never given Mary a great deal of thought ....until now. Now I understand that she too, had a grieving mother;s heart. She too, saw her son die, felt the pain and the loss and the grief, and except for a very short time after his resurrection, she too, had to wait to see her son again. So I am comforted, that out of His great love for me, and all the grieving mothers here on earth, and all mankind, God himself, allowed his mother to know the grief that I know, that sorrow that grieving mothers and fathers all over the world know when they lose a child....and He did that because He so loved me and the rest of the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever would believe in Him, would not perish, but have everlasting life. What an amazing love, what an amazing God we serve, how very thankful I am to know Him.

Gods place of Rest

As I travel this journey that the Lord has ordained for my life, I find myself more and more seeking His will, His purpose, His Plan for my life. As a loving father, He has not ordained the past five years of heartache and sorrow for no reason. He has a divine purpose in it, and when I fix my eyes on that, when I seek Him and His word with a sincere desire to find out what he is asking of me, the road seems less rough. I know God has ask for total surrender, which will result in total trust. I get that. But this week, as I have been studying God's word, it has been clear to me where the path of surrender and trust will lead.....and that is in to His rest. Hebrews 4:9 reads "There remaineth therefore a rest for the people of God. Hebrews 4:11 reads" Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief." As I labor through this season of grief and sorrow, my soul yearns to enter into God's rest. That place where I am so quiet, so peaceful, so safe, that I can just rest....not sleep (although for me that would be a blessing too) but rest. I achieve it on occasion...but I still labor. So I continue to work on surrender and trust, for even as the deer pants for water, my soul longs after God, longs to enter into that place of rest, where my mind and my body and my spirit simply rest and become refreshed. So I press on to this goal....to enter in to God's rest...at least for a short while, every day. And I know that God hears my prayers, for He is Good....All the time....and He will not deny this child His rest...not now, not tomorrow, and not for eternity. What a precious promise, what a precious Lord.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

How many times have I sung that little song, how many times has it brought peace to my soul? Over the past five years, the words of that simple song have taken on a totally new meaning to me. I am seeking to look on the face of Jesus, I am seeking to see the love and forgiveness and compassion in His eyes. And as I do, it is very true, the things of earth do grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. His grace, His unmerited favor towards me, that once and for all took my sin, and nailed it to calvary and said " IT IS FINISHED". And so it is, I believe, therefore I am a child of the King, a joint heir with Christ Jesus....and my name is written in the Lambs book of life. Again and again, I must go to the place of truth in the scripture, and simply believe what God says. He will never leave me or forsake me, He loves me with an unending love, nothing can separate me from the love of God which is found in Christ Jesus. And all he ask of me is that I turn my eyes upon Jesus, and believe that he is who he says he is and look full in His wonderful face and allow him to take all the pain and sorrow and hurt that engulfs my life upon Himself ( for His yoke is easy and His burden is light). Then I am free to bask in the light of His glory and grace....here and now....and soon forevermore. Then, I am free to go from grieving into grace....from sadness into gladness....from death into life. Thank you Lord, may your face shine upon me and be gracious unto me, now and forever. For truly, God is good...all the time.

We do not grieve as those who have no hope

I find myself drawn to others who are suffering and grieving these days. I have drawn comfort and a sense of kinship with several others who have lost sons in the past few months. I have read several books by parents who have lost sons and find that we are all on this difficult journey, and we are all share many of the same experiences. But, I am most impressed by one thing. That those of us who truly know the living God, and have accepted his son, Jesus, as our personal Lord and Savior, simply do not grieve as those who have no hope. We experience the sorrow of missing our child, of not hearing their voice or seeing their face. But we also rejoice that our child is in the presence of the Most High God...that this child, whose name was written in the lambs book of life, is in the very presence of Jesus. That the mysteries that are still present in our minds are now clear to them, for we see through the mirror dimly but they see face to face. I am moved by the absolute confidence we share that we will one day soon, not only spend eternity with our Savior, but we will have the joy of being with our child, and all our other loved ones for eternity. In my life, this faith, this confidence, this absolute assurance brings me out of sorrow and into a anxious expectation of what lies ahead. When I focus on my true home, the place where my sitizenship is based on my faith in Christ and not where I was born, I am at peace....that peace that passes all understanding. When I think about what Jason is doing right now, where he is, at the joy that is filling his whole being, I am at peace. It is only when I let my mind drift back to the dark days of last August, that the sorrow overcomes me....but only for a while, then my spirit reminds me, that still small voice speaks to my soul and says....think not about then, think about where Jason is now. Lord, have I told you how much I love you? How thankful I am that I know you, that Jason knows you, that you are my father and you love me? Because it is true, my heart rejoices at the thought of you, my spirit sings songs of praise when I contemplate who you are, and I am so thankful that I have the promise of eternal life with you. Thank you for giving peace to this grieving mothers heart. Lord, I ask that you would touch the hearts of each parent who is lost in sorrow over the loss of their child, that you would reveal yourself to them in a way that they would have perfect confidence in your love and your goodness...and that they would experience the peace that passes all human understanding.

The cry of my heart

It is after midnight...the night and I have become good friends since Jerry got sick and Jason died. Sleep does not come easily so I find myself filling the hours between 11pm and 3am with reading, writing, praying, crying, thinking....usually in that order. Tonight is no different. I so want to know the mind of God. I so want to understand what would please Him. I know there is purpose in all of this sorrow, all of this confusion. But what? What can you do with all of this, with me, Lord, that might in some way, any way advance your kingdom, or have purpose in the eternal? You, who formed the earth, why is it that you are even mindful of me? Your word says you are, so I believe you...but why? What can this humble life do that can make any difference at all? I really want to know, really I do. I can feel the hurting all around me, I can sense the pain in so many lives, but what would you have me do? The world is in a terrible way and I want to help, but what would you have me do? I do not want to miss the mark...I do not want to fail you, Lord. I am so totally inadequate....so all I can do is pray...Lord, take my life and use it, as you see fit. I will not ask not to suffer, or be in pain, just use this life for your glory. This life is so fleeting, so very short, please, let my life count for something in your kingdom...so I will do the only thing I know to do...I will keep my eyes on Jesus, I will point any and all to you, Jesus, dear, Jesus. I will say, Trust Him, believe Him, Love Him....for He alone is worthy...and Lord, I will trust you, and believe you, and Love you...for truly you alone are worthy. It is all I know to do....but if just one will hear, if just one will listen, if just one will trust....it will have been worth it..the pain, the sorrow, the confusion....I pray there is at least one....

Our Family

Nine days ago Jason's wife and daughter returned to North Carolina after spending five months in Romania with her family. No one in her family except her mother and her sister, Ani, had ever met baby Isabel, so it was fitting that as Daniela return to her homeland and let her family get to know this precious child. Daniela's father ,Nicu, and her youngest sister,Ella, accompanied her back..they will be here for a few more days. It has been both a privelege and a rare opportunity to spend many hours talking with Nicu and learning about this man whose entire life has been lived in a world very different from our own. As we ask him endless questions about his life, it has become very clear that most of his answers are defined by one thing,.."the revolution". Before the revolution, Romania was under communist rule. In the years when Jerry and I were freely roaming all over the United States and Canada, Nicu and his family were not allowed to leave Romania. They were told how how much bread and milk and sugar and gasoline they could consume. They had to be very careful when the spoke, for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person had severe consequences. Since the revolution, they have been free to travel and build businesses and known the kind of freedom that we have always taken for granted.It has been wonderful to hear his stories...but that is not why he came here...he came here to share our sorrow, our pain, our grief. He came to see Jerry and the rest of Jason's family. I have seen the sorrow in his eyes as the tears well up at the mention of Jason's name. I have seen the burden he carries for Jerry ...his kindness has touched my heart. I marvel, that my handsome son Jason, somehow found Nicu's beautiful daughter, Daniela half way across the world....that Jesus brought two families from two very different lands and somehow has made us one family. I hurt for Daniela's mom and her sisters, for I know how much they miss Daniela and Isabel, even as we did while she was in Romania. Love and loss...joy and sorrow...these are not just words to us any more....we live them, on two sides of the ocean, we live them everyday. Our earthly connection is Jason, Daniela and Isabel...but the stronger connection between these two families is Jesus. And He is our promise, our joy, our peace our comfort...we are so blessed to know Him, to serve Him, to know that we will all one day be together...no ocean between us, in the presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords....We are blessed, in spite of the sorrow and loss, we are blessed...for God is Good, All the time...and I am so thankful that Jesus led Jason and Daniela to each other, and that from that love,precious Isabel came to be....for in them I sense Jason and it brings comfort to this grieving mothers heart.

The longer I serve Him, the sweeter he grows.

My mind has been all over the place the past few days. I find songs of faith singing in my soul. Old songs that I sang twenty years ago....like Gaithers...The Longer I serve Him, the sweeter He grows. Old hymns like Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus... It is true, you know. There is a sweetness that comes from sorrow. I can not explain it.
I have experienced various emotions since Jason died...rarely if ever anger. I am sad but not angry. How can I be angry when Jason is with Jesus? How can I be angry when I think of the beautiful person he was, the depth of his love for Jesus, and Jerry, and me, and Daniela, and Isabel, and Tara and Matt and Dan and on and on? How can I be angry with a God who blessed me to be his mother for 32 years and gave me million memories that are good and funny and tender and outrageous and sweet, compared with those few, hard painful memories of his last days? It is often the sweetness of the memories that bring the greatest flood of tears. When I think of Jason holding Isabel, the look of total tenderness and adoration for his precious baby..the sweetness of that moment makes me sad. When I think of the day before he went to the hospital and he took me outside to tell me to take care of Jerry...that he was worried that all the stress of what he himself was going thru was not good for his dad's recovery....it was so tender, so sweet, and it makes me so sad. For those sweet moments and the funny moments and the "fife moments and a million others are what I miss about Jason....but I am not angry, just sad. For the sweetness I saw in Jason, was the sweetness I see in Jesus. The love I saw in Jason, Jason got from his love for Jesus. So I will take the sweetness with the sorrow and be thankful...both are a gift, both are creating in me, who God wants me to be...I hope there is some of that sweetness in me...Please ,Lord, let there be some of that sweetness in me.