The unexpected road

Today I turn 61 years old....man that sounds old. I am not living the life I expected to live at this age. Like many others of my generation, I expected that Jerry and I would be working a little, traveling a little, spending lots of time with our children and grandchildren, be in a position to go on missions trips and find ways to serve others here in our community. I never imagined that I would be a full time caregiver for my precious husband, nor could I have ever imagined I would have returned one of my beautiful children back into the arms of his creator. I do not have any regrets in my life, just some unfulfilled dreams. But they were my dreams, not God's, they were my plans, not His. Yet, I am thankful that Jerry is still at my side and I am able to help him with the difficult journey that has become his life. I am thankful that I had 32 wonderful years with Jason and that he brought Daniela and Isabel and her whole family into our lives. I am grateful for my children ( Matt, Tara and Dan) and the children my heart has adopted ( Shane, Daniela, Heather and Maria) and all my beautiful grandchildren. I am grateful for all the friends that have blessed my life in the family of God . Life has taught me that we never know when God may call us home, and I have learned to have my lamp filled with oil and I await the coming of the Lord with great anticipation. Until that time, I am humbled by the love and mercy that God has shown to Jerry and me. Truly, God is good, all the time and his mercies are new every morning and they endure forevermore. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm not the great fixer....HE is.

I spend a portion of every day communicating with others who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is a most difficult journey and many are struggling with grief and guilt and pain. I am shocked by the sadness in this world, the never ending sorrow. Every day I wish I could ease their pain or lighten their burden. But somewhere in this journey, I have come to a place of surrender. Not just about Jason's death, but about Jerry's difficult journey. I have come to accept that I am not the great fixer, the one who makes it all better, the one who has to do it or no one else will. For some reason I got myself and my role in this universe confused with God, and His sovereign place in my life. I look back on the events that preceded Jason's death, and I realize that we all did everything we could to keep Jason with us. I do not believe that any child was loved more than Jason was, that any brother was loved more that Jason was, that any husband was loved more than Jason was.....that being said, all that love could not change what happened to Jason. Likewise, I look at Jerry's journey and say the same things...I do not believe any man has known a love any greater than the love I have for Jerry, I do not believe any children were ever more attentive and loving and giving than our children were to Jerry and yet all that love did not alter the course that God has ordained for his life. So, I have learned that it is not God that has changed in the past five years, it is me. It is not God who has failed in the fast five years, it is me....for I was foolish enough to believe that my love was enough to alter the course ordained for Jason and Jerry, when in fact, God's love did not just have Jerry and Jason in His plans, but me and Daniela and Tara, and Matt and Dan and untold others. So, after 61 years of life, I am beginning to redefine who I am in Christ and what my purpose is on this journey we call life. I do know this, I am glad to be free of the responsibility to fix everything, to make everything better.....I gladly hand that over to our creator, knowing that He is far more able to accomplish His purpose if I stay out of His way. I do not know how long I will be on this earth, or how long Jerry will be here, but I am confident of this....that there awaits a new earth for all of us who believe, where Jesus will rule and reign and all of our current sorrows will be no more....and I look forward to that day with great anticipation.

Learning in the valley

In recent weeks it has become clear to me that God has allowed the suffering and sorrow in our lives for a reason. I have come to realize, that it is in the valley of difficulty and heartache that we truly learn about God. It is in that place of weakness and brokenness that God can use us for his purpose. I am learning the timeless truths that are spoken in his word. I realize I can never be like Jesus as long as what I think or what I want is more important to me than what he thinks or wants of me. I can never hear God's voice as long as the "why me, why this, why Jason, why Jerry" keeps shouting in my soul and heart and mind. It is only when I lay it all down and truly, without any reservations say..."thy will, not mine be done", that God can finally step in and be who HE wants to be, do what HE wants to do, in my life. I struggle with the process, I struggle with the sorrow, I struggle with Jerry's struggling. But I know that God is at work. I know that His ways are not my ways but unlike mine, they are perfect and without flaw. I know that I want to be the salt of the earth, the light that shines in the darkness and if this is the price that I must pay to become that obedient child of God.....it is a small price compared to the promise of eternity with the King of King and Lord of Lords. I know there are many more lessons to learn, many more challenges ahead, but I am confident that He who began a good work in me is able to complete it....and He will, in His time, His way, for His purpose and His glory. I want to be a better student, a faster learner, a more obedient child.....I want Him to know that I love Him and desire to serve Him and I long for that day when I will be in His presence for eternity.

Jason........forever in my heart

On August 13, 2008, my son Jason left his earthly home and went to his eternal home with Jesus. It was the most difficult day of my life. There are some experiences that defy description, some places of sorrow that words could simply never describe...... Jason's death was that place for me. Yet a year later I can say with complete confidence that Jason is not dead, he is singing and dancing and rejoicing in a land free of sorrow and he is more alive than he ever was before. I still miss Jason. Tears still stream down my face when I see his picture or hear his voice on a recording. Nevertheless, if I could will him back to this place, I would not do so. I am convinced that our eternal home is so far beyond anything that we can imagine that I find great peace and joy in knowing that Jason is there and I look with great anticipation to that time when I shall be reunited with him . The past year has taught me much about faith and love and hope. It is my prayer that God will use Jason's death for His glory even more than he used Jason's life. This was Jason's prayer too, and I know that God heard him and is answering it in ways I will never know. So until that day when I too will rest in the everlasting arms of Jesus, I will keep my eyes on the cross and wait for the day when God will wipe away all the tears from our eyes....oh what a glorious day that will be.

Hurting, Helping, Healing

In three months I will be sixty-one years old. I have learned more about life and death and sorrow and survival in the past five years than in all the years that preceded them. HURTING....Jerry's illness and Jason's death have taken me to places of hurt and sorrow that I did not know were possible. They have also opened my eyes the the hurt and sorrow I see in others. I now see pain in the eyes of complete strangers, I see sorrow in the eyes of my loved ones, even when they are trying so hard to hide it. I see sadness in the eyes of my husband every time he watches others do for him the simplest things that he used to do for himself. I understand hurting, both mine and that of others.. is has been.one of the more difficult parts of this journey. HELPING...In the past five years, I have learned that there is great joy in helping someone who is hurting and great humility in accepting help when I am hurting. The latter, was a difficult lesson for me to learn. I have also learned that helping someone else who is hurting or grieving, at least momentarily eases your pain and accepting the loving help of others in the middle of your pain, at least momentarily, also eases your pain. It is God's plan, His purpose, His example, and it is without flaw. HEALING..there is no healing apart from feeling the hurt, accepting the help and surrendering it all back to the God who is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. There is no part of this journey that is unknown to Him, no tear goes unnoticed, no sorrow hidden from His loving eye. And it is the belief that He has the sovereign right to direct the path of our feet, to write the story that is our life....that frees us to heal. And everyday I am hurting less, looking for ways to help others more, and allowing the love and mercy of God to heal my broken heart. The journey continues and I accept that healing is a very long process. I thank God for his faithfulness, the promise of eternity, and the assurance that I am His and He is mine.....for truly God is Good...ALL THE TIME.

Don't believe what you read....the king is not dead

Recent events have baffled my mind and saddened my heart....once again I watched as the world announced that the king is dead....referring to Michael Jackson. But here is the truth....the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is alive, very alive, and He rules and reigns at the right hand of his father...God Almighty, the very creator of the universe. As the world worships and adores false idols and false "gods", we who call ourselves believers must keep our eyes on the true king. I could not have survived the past five years if my king was dead. I could not get through one more day, if my kings name was Michael, or Elvis, or Frank. But praise God, it is not, his name is Jesus and he is the source of my peace. my joy, my hope. It is the knowledge that one day I will live with him forever in a place free of sorrow and pain that daily renews my soul and gives my life purpose. Jason is now in the presence of my king and one day, I will be there too. So I say with complete confidence this....I know whom I have believed in and I am not now nor ever shall be ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ...for it is life to all who believe , today, tomorrow and forever.

To Jason

The author is unknown, but the words are what is in my heart:

You never said "I'm leaving"
You never said "good-bye"
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
A million times we've needed you
A million tears we've cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our hearts you hold a special place
No one else will ever fill
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone
A part of us went with you
The day God called you home
Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us-one by one
The chain will link again

I am looking for a place

I am looking for a place....a place so near to the heart of God that He is more real to me than my own thoughts are. I desire to be so immersed in His love that the sorrows of this world pale by comparison. I am on a journey, and I know where it leads, I know what my final destination is and I know what I will find when I get there.....his name is Jesus. The challenge at hand is simply making the journey, accepting the challenges and difficulties along the way, while still keeping my eyes on my final destination. I am not a perfected traveler yet. I am like my children were when they were small asking over and over.....".how long till I get there, Lord". Jason's death and Jerry's illness have made it hard to enjoy the journey. There are most certainly days that are enjoyable, and my children and grandchildren are an endless source of joy to me. And the mere fact that Jerry is still here, still traveling with me, still by my side, still the love of my life....how very thankful I am for the blessings that are mine. But at those times, on those days when the waves of grief flow over me like the waves that crash to the shore on the beautiful sandy ocean beach, I look to the sky and ask..."how long till I get there, Lord". And gently I hear His voice speak to my spirit..."be patient my child, I know your name, I see your pain and I love you ". So I will continue to get up each day, and praise God from whom all blessings flow, and strive to enjoy the journey that is mine, and love the beautiful people that He has put in my life.....but in the stillness of the night, and the calmness of the early morning hours, I find myself listening....listening for the sound of angel wings, and the sound of the trumpet, and looking for the breaking of the eastern sky....and I am ready, ready to go to that place......even so Lord, quickly come.

The Lord giveth and the Lord takes away

My life is a daily reminder of how fleeting our time here on earth is...truly we are like blades of grass, here for a brief season. Every few weeks, I am awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of Jerry struggling to breath. This occurred again, just a couple of nights ago. I do not know what causes these events. I must immediately pull him to a sitting position and try to calm him enough in his fearful struggle to get him breathing again. Like the seizures, this comes with no warning, and always cause my heart to stop for a moment. Like the seizures, this affect his breathing, and always make me wonder, if just for a brief moment, is this the hour that the Lord is calling his name. Jason's death has taught me that I have no control over this life, my life is not my own, and I am learning to say "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord". Each of these frightening events reminds me once again, that our lives are like a vapor, here one moment, gone the next. What comfort I find in scripture where we are assured over and over that this life is fleeting, but we have the promise of eternal life through our faith in Jesus. I could not live with out this hope, I could not rest with out His promises. So I am learning to live one day at a time. I am learning to be thankful for each day, for the gifts of love and laughter and kindness and thoughtfulness that come my way through those around me. I will no longer spend precious moments worrying about tomorrow, for I know it is not promised and may never come. This journey teaches me new things everyday, and I pray they are preparing me for that which is eternal.....for it is all that really matters.

In everything give thanks

As I think about this Memorial Day, I find myself very thankful. I am thankful for all the wonderful, amusing, touching, kind, thoughtful memories I have of Jason and my mother and father and all those who have gone on before me. I am thankful that I worship a living God who has taken them into His presence for safe keeping until I am able to rejoin them. I am thankful that in His infinite mercy, He has surrounded me with a family who loves Him and shares my faith. I am thankful that through all the struggles of life, we have found the truth, and it has indeed set us free. While we still have to deal with loss and sorrow, we are blessed to be called the children of God and stand firm in the promises of God, that one day soon, we shall behold Him. I am thankful that for every painful memory, there are a hundred happy memories, for every sad thought, there are a hundred that bring a smile. Mine is a life that is blessed and I am thankful. As we watch what is going on in the world, I am excited to keep my eyes fixed on the eastern sky, wondering every day...will this be the day of His return. What a wonderful God we serve...

My son, Jason

As Mother's Day draws near, I am drawn to thoughts of my children.This year is different, of course, for one of my precious children will not be here....he has changed his permanent address from North Carolina to Heaven. So while I will be able to speak to all my other children, and hug most of their necks, and tell each of them how much I love them (and feel unspeakable gratitude that I still have three wonderful children and four wonderful "in law children with me).....I can only reach out to Jason in my heart. So, I sit here in the late hours of the night and recall the precious memories that are Jason. Jake ( as we often call him) was my third child...he came almost a month late(like all the others did) and weighed almost ten pounds. He had big blue eyes and blond hair....and when I saw him, it was love at first sight. As a young child, Jake was very curious and rather solitary. He preferred to tear apart the boom box, rather than listen to it....to walk off down the beach alone, instead of building sand castles with the other kids. Jason had the most beautiful blue eyes....and when he was in trouble, he would look at me with those puppy dog eyes, and I would melt. As he grew into a young man, he had a very funny, quirky sense of humor which was equally matched with a serious, intense mind. When he gave his life to Jesus, he sought after Him with the same passion and intensity that he had when he learned to play the piano, or when he built the beautiful harpsichord or studied German. I always said that all of my children were wonderful, but Jason was the most unique. And he was. In adulthood, Jason's passion for a deep relationship with Jesus intensified. In true Ansley fashion, he never really found a job or profession that captured his heart, mind or imagination(Matt being the exception). When He met Daniela, they sought the will of God with great sincerity, and fell in love, and got married. As a couple, they approached every day, every decision, every move by seeking God's will, searching God's word and listening for God's voice. I will never understand the final days of Jason's life on earth, or why the God that we all love so dearly, chose to take him in the manner that he did. But, I trust His will, His plan, His purpose, His love for all of us and for Jason. So this Mother's Day, my sweet son, Jason, will be with my mother, not me....with our Heavenly Father, not Jerry, and with all the sons and daughters of God, not his earthly brothers and sister. His wife will be with us, when she longs to be with him, his daughter will be with us, when she wants to be in her daddy's arms....but we will love them and hold them, and share our love with them until that day when we will all be together with our precious Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for eternity.. I will always be proud to be your mother, Jason.....I love you, I miss you....forever.

I run to the Rock

It will soon be nine months since Jason's death....it seems like he has been gone much longer. I have learned much about life and death, , faith and doubt, love and loss in the past nine months. I have learned to run to the Rock of my salvation, the stone that the builders rejected....and hold fast. If I think about Jason not being here with us, sorrow and grief overwhelm me, but if I think of Jason being in the presence of Jesus, I am content and peaceful. If I think about the last few weeks of Jason's life, I crumble in tears, but if I think about the whole of his life and the beautiful man he was, I am full of joy and appreciation for the time we had with him. When life wants to overtake me, I run to the Rock and I plant my feet firmly on that Rock, and I wrap my arms around the Rock and all is well. Psalms 18 :2 says "The Lord is my Rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge" How very true I have found this to be....Jesus is my refuge, my Rock, my deliverer, my hope, my peace, my joy. So, I run to the Rock and there I find my hiding place....what comfort.

I am His and He is mine

In a world where suffering and sorrow are everywhere, where the very core of everything I believe is being scoffed at and ridiculed....there is a Savior. In the times when my soul cries out for answers that never come ....There is a Savior. When nothing makes sense and my body is so tired I wonder how I can take one more step....There is a Savior.Oh how thankful I am that there is a Savior...and I am His and He is mine. I can never thank Him enough, praise Him enough, worship Him enough but I will try, for I am His and He is mine. It is what gives my life meaning, it is that which raises me up when I am down, it is the very core of my faith, my being, my life. He is my peace, my anchor in this storm of life, the only answer I really need and I am His and He is mine. What an awesome God I serve, what a loving , precious Savior I trust....and I am His and He is mine.....now and forever.

What more could a mother ask?

Something is happening in my soul, but I am not quite sure what it is. I am thinking a lot about heaven these days...not in a "life is so hard I want to go there" way but more in a " I wonder what it is like for Jason in heaven" way. I have also begun to consider things that have never occured to me before....and with these have come freedom.One thought is this..Jason does not need me any more.He does not need my love, for he is in the presence of pure, perfect love. He does not need my advice, for he has found the wisdom of the ages. He does not need a mother any more, for he has found in God, the perfect mother and father and savior and friend. Therefore, Jason is free, so should I not be free too? Does it really make any sense to spend hours or days grieving when Jason has more than everything he will ever need or want? Should I not be free from the burden of grief, to love, and nurture and care for my husband and children and grandchildren? The answer, of course, is yes....I will have eternity to be with Jesus and Jason, but for right now, I have work to do..here, a husband to care for....here, children and grandchildren to love and nurture....here. To rob myself of the sheer joy of this calling in order to indulge a selfish need to grief, is not who I want to be, it is not who I have been called to be, it is not who I am. I will forever miss Jason...I am his mother and I will always be his mother...but I will lay down my sorrow and live the faith I confess, I will step away from my grief, and love those who still need my love, care for those who still need my care, and fullfill the calling that God has placed on my life. I will not promise an end to the tears...for there will always be tears...but they are for me, not for Jason. And when they come, I will wipe them away, knowing that God sees them, and understands them....then I will go on and do His bidding...taking care of those here one earth with the blessed assurance that even as I care for them here, God is taking perfect care of Jason, in heaven.What more could a mother ask? .What a wonderful God we serve.

When I think of the Cross

I am sitting in the quietness of the night, thinking about Easter. I have always thought of two words when I think of Easter. Death and Resurrection. Actually, I have thought of them more like....death and RESURRECTION. I have never liked to think about the death of the son of God. I have never had much comfort with death. I liked to focus on the Resurrection, because it was joyful and powerful. I have always felt that somehow death was something that happened when you got old. Somehow, in my distorted faith, I believed that my life and the life of my husband and children would be free from the sting of death until old age because I believed right and I lived right. I was wrong. We are all supposed to be dying everyday....dying to self, to our wants and our desires and our selfish ways. And if indeed we are dying to self, it should not be much of a stretch to die in our physical bodies. For if self is gone, then what is left is Jesus, so death is just the natural next step. Everything looks different to me now....since Jerry's illness and Jason's death. Death is not so scary, so obscure.....it is just crossing over from this life, to the next....it is laying down that which is corruptible and taking up that which is incorruptible. That does not scare me anymore. When the Lord calls my name, I am ready to go. Then there is loss....I am still grappling with that one. I remember the day that Jerry coded here at the house.....I remember the occasions when it did not look like he would survive his illness. Part of me was at peace, because he was so sick, and he had endured so much, and it seemed like death would be what was best for him....but then there was the loss.....my loss, living my life without my soulmate....the thought still brings me to tears. And then there was Jason's death....I know he is with Jesus, I know he is perfectly at peace, I know he is safe and happy, I know he is where he longed to be .....but there is the loss.....my loss, Daniela's loss, Jerry's loss, Tara's loss, Matt's loss....I am still struggling with that, still grieving the loss, still missing my child. I feel so very human. And yet, Jesus wept, Jesus sweat blood as he pondered what was going to happen to Him, that part of Jesus that was human struggled too.....and I find comfort in that. I rejoice that Jesus died, and I rejoice that He rose from the grave, and I rejoice that my child is in His presence, and I will be too. So through the tears, my heart is full of pure love and gratitude to a Father that loves me and a Savior that paid the price for my sin and a Holy Spirit that comforts me. I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES and because He lives, I too, shall live for all eternity in His presence.....so today, tonight and always, ,my joy is greater than my grief, my gratitude is greater than my sorrow, and my hope for eternity is greater than my struggle with today. So I will face tomorrow and the next day and the next day knowing that Jesus is Lord, He is Lord of my life and He is good...so very good to me.

Praise Him in the storm

I recently heard this song by Casting Crowns....it is the cry of my heart, it is the challenge of each day, that some how, some way, I can, from the very depths of my soul "Praise Him in the Storm"

Praise Him in the storm, by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God,
that you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again, I say amen
and it is still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
and as your mercy falls
I lift my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in the storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who you say You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You have never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in the storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find you

and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
and again your mercy falls
so I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

AND I PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM

I believe that the only way out of this storm, is to fix my eyes on the author and finisher of my faith, and not because I feel like it, and not because it is the right thing to do.....but simply because He is worthy....I will praise Him in the storm...trusting that He is who He says He is, and He loves me, and He is at my side, lifting me when I fall....so I will praise HIM in this storm.

The journey back to joy

For fifty-six years my life was fairly uneventful. I had wonderful parents, a good childhood, teen years that were free of drugs and other dangerous pastimes and then I met Jerry. We married when I was only 22 had our first child a year later, with the next three arriving in the subsequent five years. I had losses, but they were always tempered with blessings. I have always been a thankful child of God. Thankful for my parents and family, thankful for my husband and children, thankful for our health and God's blessings in our lives. I believe I have always been a sympathetic person and a compassionate person. I was saved at a Billy Graham Crusade when I was in my early teens and have sought the Lord since then. So four years and six months ago, when Jerry became desperately ill, I believed that God was testing my faith. In the first year of Jerry's illness, my faith was tested beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But day by day, month by month, year by year, we settled into an acceptance that God's ways were not our ways, and He had a reason for not raising Jerry up and restoring him to his former good health. It was a difficult journey to get to that place, but we were getting there, and then the unthinkable, the unimaginable happened. On August 13th, 2008 Jason left his mortal body and went home to be with Jesus. We were not prepared. We had not recovered from Jerry's illness, we were still struggling to deal with disabilities and financial devastation.....and Jason died. And so did my joy. So now, after weeks and months of trying to come to terms with this loss, I am beginning to ask, Lord, how do I regain my joy? Your word says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is how I know I have lost my joy....I do not feel strong any more. I am tired, so very tired.
Years ago I saw this written somewhere JOY = Jesus, Others, Yourself. And I believe that is true. I know what must be done, I know what is being asked. Jesus wants to be first in my life. It is no longer negotiable. Jerry can't come first, the kids can't come first , the grand kids can't be first.....it has to be Jesus...and until it is, the joy will not be restored. I am guilty, guilty as charged. Jesus has not always been first in my life. I wanted Him to be, but he was not. I wish it had not taken such loss to teach me this lesson. I wish I could have learned how inadequate my relationship with Jesus was without the devastation to Jerry and the loss of Jason. But now, I just hope and pray that I can find my way to the foot of the cross, and look up and truly see the face of the Lord I have professed to love these many years. I pray that I can put Him first. And in doing that, I will need to lay down the sorrow and the grief and the cares and the worries and believe what I have confessed for over forty years....That Jesus Christ is Lord, He is my Lord, and He is more than enough.

Getting Free

It is the desire of my heart not to be stuck in a place of grief and sorrow. Some days I think I have accomplished this goal, other days I wonder if I will ever accomplish this goal. On those days, it almost feels like to not be grieving is to say that life without Jason is ok with me and that simply will never be the case...NEVER. But I am fully aware that grief is not what defines love. As I wonder through this maze of emotions, I know one thing, I am grounded in one thing, and that is this....".The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning....Great is thy faithfulness, Oh Lord."( I remember singing that scripture to Jerry when he was in a coma for several weeks. And again I sang it to him every night while he was in the ICU at WakeMed, then for weeks at UNC and Duke hospitals.) That is where I want to be grounded all the time, in the steadfast love of God. That is what allows me not to be stuck in grief all the time. He reassures me daily that Jason is in His presence, free from everything that binds us here on earth, free to love His Lord, worship His Lord and praise His Lord unencumbered. I will always miss Jason for I am his mother...till the day I die, I will be his mother. But I am also painfully aware, that Jason was never mine...He belonged to God from the day he was concieved until the day God called him home, my head knows this but my heart is still trying to let go. So as I sit here in the early hours of the morning, thinking about how to go on with a life that is very different from the one I thought I would be living, I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning, that great is His faithfulness toward me, and most importantly, that His love for me is steadfast and never ceases. And I too, though encumbered with the sorrows of this world, I too, can join Jason and love my Lord, worship my Lord, and praise my Lord. Because of that truth, I am not stuck in a place of grief and sorrow.....I just visit there every now and then.

A very special grieving mother

It has become my privilege to become friends with some other grieving mothers. Our roads, while very different in some ways, are very much the same in others. We are all struggling to figure out how to live our lives without our sons. We are all trying to find a place of peace and rest on a journey that allows moments of peace, short times of rest, before we are thrown back to a memory that takes us back to our place of sorrow and grief. Each of the mothers I know, is struggling to maintain a relationship with God, to run to Him, to trust in Him, to be assured that our sons are safe in His presence. It is the journey of a grieving mothers heart. Then,my thoughts went to another grieving mother....Her name was Mary....Her son's name was Jesus. I wondered how her heart did not fail in grief and sorrow as she stood below the cross, seeing him suffer and cry out in agony. I wondered if she felt like she had to defend Him, when others blamed Him for being to out spoken, or doing something wrong that resulted in his own death. I wondered if she went home after they laid Him in the tomb, and fell to her knees and sobbed....can this be my life, can my son really be gone, how can I ever keep going? I wondered, even after He rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven, if she missed talking to Him, hugging Him, looking into His eyes....knowing He would be there when she needed Him? Was it different for her because her son was the Son of God, or was her pain like ours because she was human and this was her son and her sorrow and loss were very real like ours? One day, I will meet her. I do not expect that the answers to those questions will really matter then...to either of us, but this I do know. She allowed herself to be used by God and, to watch her son die a horrible death. I have a new appreciation for Mary. To be honest with you, other than at Christmas when we all think about the birth of Jesus and identify with her as a birthing mother, I have never given Mary a great deal of thought ....until now. Now I understand that she too, had a grieving mother;s heart. She too, saw her son die, felt the pain and the loss and the grief, and except for a very short time after his resurrection, she too, had to wait to see her son again. So I am comforted, that out of His great love for me, and all the grieving mothers here on earth, and all mankind, God himself, allowed his mother to know the grief that I know, that sorrow that grieving mothers and fathers all over the world know when they lose a child....and He did that because He so loved me and the rest of the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever would believe in Him, would not perish, but have everlasting life. What an amazing love, what an amazing God we serve, how very thankful I am to know Him.

Gods place of Rest

As I travel this journey that the Lord has ordained for my life, I find myself more and more seeking His will, His purpose, His Plan for my life. As a loving father, He has not ordained the past five years of heartache and sorrow for no reason. He has a divine purpose in it, and when I fix my eyes on that, when I seek Him and His word with a sincere desire to find out what he is asking of me, the road seems less rough. I know God has ask for total surrender, which will result in total trust. I get that. But this week, as I have been studying God's word, it has been clear to me where the path of surrender and trust will lead.....and that is in to His rest. Hebrews 4:9 reads "There remaineth therefore a rest for the people of God. Hebrews 4:11 reads" Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief." As I labor through this season of grief and sorrow, my soul yearns to enter into God's rest. That place where I am so quiet, so peaceful, so safe, that I can just rest....not sleep (although for me that would be a blessing too) but rest. I achieve it on occasion...but I still labor. So I continue to work on surrender and trust, for even as the deer pants for water, my soul longs after God, longs to enter into that place of rest, where my mind and my body and my spirit simply rest and become refreshed. So I press on to this goal....to enter in to God's rest...at least for a short while, every day. And I know that God hears my prayers, for He is Good....All the time....and He will not deny this child His rest...not now, not tomorrow, and not for eternity. What a precious promise, what a precious Lord.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

How many times have I sung that little song, how many times has it brought peace to my soul? Over the past five years, the words of that simple song have taken on a totally new meaning to me. I am seeking to look on the face of Jesus, I am seeking to see the love and forgiveness and compassion in His eyes. And as I do, it is very true, the things of earth do grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. His grace, His unmerited favor towards me, that once and for all took my sin, and nailed it to calvary and said " IT IS FINISHED". And so it is, I believe, therefore I am a child of the King, a joint heir with Christ Jesus....and my name is written in the Lambs book of life. Again and again, I must go to the place of truth in the scripture, and simply believe what God says. He will never leave me or forsake me, He loves me with an unending love, nothing can separate me from the love of God which is found in Christ Jesus. And all he ask of me is that I turn my eyes upon Jesus, and believe that he is who he says he is and look full in His wonderful face and allow him to take all the pain and sorrow and hurt that engulfs my life upon Himself ( for His yoke is easy and His burden is light). Then I am free to bask in the light of His glory and grace....here and now....and soon forevermore. Then, I am free to go from grieving into grace....from sadness into gladness....from death into life. Thank you Lord, may your face shine upon me and be gracious unto me, now and forever. For truly, God is good...all the time.

We do not grieve as those who have no hope

I find myself drawn to others who are suffering and grieving these days. I have drawn comfort and a sense of kinship with several others who have lost sons in the past few months. I have read several books by parents who have lost sons and find that we are all on this difficult journey, and we are all share many of the same experiences. But, I am most impressed by one thing. That those of us who truly know the living God, and have accepted his son, Jesus, as our personal Lord and Savior, simply do not grieve as those who have no hope. We experience the sorrow of missing our child, of not hearing their voice or seeing their face. But we also rejoice that our child is in the presence of the Most High God...that this child, whose name was written in the lambs book of life, is in the very presence of Jesus. That the mysteries that are still present in our minds are now clear to them, for we see through the mirror dimly but they see face to face. I am moved by the absolute confidence we share that we will one day soon, not only spend eternity with our Savior, but we will have the joy of being with our child, and all our other loved ones for eternity. In my life, this faith, this confidence, this absolute assurance brings me out of sorrow and into a anxious expectation of what lies ahead. When I focus on my true home, the place where my sitizenship is based on my faith in Christ and not where I was born, I am at peace....that peace that passes all understanding. When I think about what Jason is doing right now, where he is, at the joy that is filling his whole being, I am at peace. It is only when I let my mind drift back to the dark days of last August, that the sorrow overcomes me....but only for a while, then my spirit reminds me, that still small voice speaks to my soul and says....think not about then, think about where Jason is now. Lord, have I told you how much I love you? How thankful I am that I know you, that Jason knows you, that you are my father and you love me? Because it is true, my heart rejoices at the thought of you, my spirit sings songs of praise when I contemplate who you are, and I am so thankful that I have the promise of eternal life with you. Thank you for giving peace to this grieving mothers heart. Lord, I ask that you would touch the hearts of each parent who is lost in sorrow over the loss of their child, that you would reveal yourself to them in a way that they would have perfect confidence in your love and your goodness...and that they would experience the peace that passes all human understanding.

The cry of my heart

It is after midnight...the night and I have become good friends since Jerry got sick and Jason died. Sleep does not come easily so I find myself filling the hours between 11pm and 3am with reading, writing, praying, crying, thinking....usually in that order. Tonight is no different. I so want to know the mind of God. I so want to understand what would please Him. I know there is purpose in all of this sorrow, all of this confusion. But what? What can you do with all of this, with me, Lord, that might in some way, any way advance your kingdom, or have purpose in the eternal? You, who formed the earth, why is it that you are even mindful of me? Your word says you are, so I believe you...but why? What can this humble life do that can make any difference at all? I really want to know, really I do. I can feel the hurting all around me, I can sense the pain in so many lives, but what would you have me do? The world is in a terrible way and I want to help, but what would you have me do? I do not want to miss the mark...I do not want to fail you, Lord. I am so totally inadequate....so all I can do is pray...Lord, take my life and use it, as you see fit. I will not ask not to suffer, or be in pain, just use this life for your glory. This life is so fleeting, so very short, please, let my life count for something in your kingdom...so I will do the only thing I know to do...I will keep my eyes on Jesus, I will point any and all to you, Jesus, dear, Jesus. I will say, Trust Him, believe Him, Love Him....for He alone is worthy...and Lord, I will trust you, and believe you, and Love you...for truly you alone are worthy. It is all I know to do....but if just one will hear, if just one will listen, if just one will trust....it will have been worth it..the pain, the sorrow, the confusion....I pray there is at least one....

Our Family

Nine days ago Jason's wife and daughter returned to North Carolina after spending five months in Romania with her family. No one in her family except her mother and her sister, Ani, had ever met baby Isabel, so it was fitting that as Daniela return to her homeland and let her family get to know this precious child. Daniela's father ,Nicu, and her youngest sister,Ella, accompanied her back..they will be here for a few more days. It has been both a privelege and a rare opportunity to spend many hours talking with Nicu and learning about this man whose entire life has been lived in a world very different from our own. As we ask him endless questions about his life, it has become very clear that most of his answers are defined by one thing,.."the revolution". Before the revolution, Romania was under communist rule. In the years when Jerry and I were freely roaming all over the United States and Canada, Nicu and his family were not allowed to leave Romania. They were told how how much bread and milk and sugar and gasoline they could consume. They had to be very careful when the spoke, for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person had severe consequences. Since the revolution, they have been free to travel and build businesses and known the kind of freedom that we have always taken for granted.It has been wonderful to hear his stories...but that is not why he came here...he came here to share our sorrow, our pain, our grief. He came to see Jerry and the rest of Jason's family. I have seen the sorrow in his eyes as the tears well up at the mention of Jason's name. I have seen the burden he carries for Jerry ...his kindness has touched my heart. I marvel, that my handsome son Jason, somehow found Nicu's beautiful daughter, Daniela half way across the world....that Jesus brought two families from two very different lands and somehow has made us one family. I hurt for Daniela's mom and her sisters, for I know how much they miss Daniela and Isabel, even as we did while she was in Romania. Love and loss...joy and sorrow...these are not just words to us any more....we live them, on two sides of the ocean, we live them everyday. Our earthly connection is Jason, Daniela and Isabel...but the stronger connection between these two families is Jesus. And He is our promise, our joy, our peace our comfort...we are so blessed to know Him, to serve Him, to know that we will all one day be together...no ocean between us, in the presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords....We are blessed, in spite of the sorrow and loss, we are blessed...for God is Good, All the time...and I am so thankful that Jesus led Jason and Daniela to each other, and that from that love,precious Isabel came to be....for in them I sense Jason and it brings comfort to this grieving mothers heart.

The longer I serve Him, the sweeter he grows.

My mind has been all over the place the past few days. I find songs of faith singing in my soul. Old songs that I sang twenty years ago....like Gaithers...The Longer I serve Him, the sweeter He grows. Old hymns like Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus... It is true, you know. There is a sweetness that comes from sorrow. I can not explain it.
I have experienced various emotions since Jason died...rarely if ever anger. I am sad but not angry. How can I be angry when Jason is with Jesus? How can I be angry when I think of the beautiful person he was, the depth of his love for Jesus, and Jerry, and me, and Daniela, and Isabel, and Tara and Matt and Dan and on and on? How can I be angry with a God who blessed me to be his mother for 32 years and gave me million memories that are good and funny and tender and outrageous and sweet, compared with those few, hard painful memories of his last days? It is often the sweetness of the memories that bring the greatest flood of tears. When I think of Jason holding Isabel, the look of total tenderness and adoration for his precious baby..the sweetness of that moment makes me sad. When I think of the day before he went to the hospital and he took me outside to tell me to take care of Jerry...that he was worried that all the stress of what he himself was going thru was not good for his dad's recovery....it was so tender, so sweet, and it makes me so sad. For those sweet moments and the funny moments and the "fife moments and a million others are what I miss about Jason....but I am not angry, just sad. For the sweetness I saw in Jason, was the sweetness I see in Jesus. The love I saw in Jason, Jason got from his love for Jesus. So I will take the sweetness with the sorrow and be thankful...both are a gift, both are creating in me, who God wants me to be...I hope there is some of that sweetness in me...Please ,Lord, let there be some of that sweetness in me.

It is well with my soul

At Jason's memorial service we closed with my favorite hymn...It is well with my soul. The words play over and over in my mind....

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrow like sea billows roll,
What ever my lot, thou has taugh me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.

My sin oh the bliss of that glorious thought, My sin NOT IN PART BUT THE WHOLE,
IS NAILED TO THE CROSS, AND I BEAR IT NO MORE, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, Haste the day, when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back like a scroll.
The trumpet shall resound and the Lord shall decend...praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.

What comfort those words give me...what peace in the middle of this storm. Every mother who has lost a child understands how sorrow rolls over her soul like the huge waves in the sea. As one who believes in Jesus and finished work of the cross, I rejoice that the day is coming, when I will be reunited with Jason in the presence of Jesus. Because of that truth, and that alone, even on the days when my heart is breaking and I think that the pain of this loss will cause my heart to simply stop, I can look to the sky and say, Lord, it is well with my soul. The challenge is trying to wrap this very earthly, mother's mind around the fact that her son will never walk thru her door, or hug her neck, or simply say, I love you, Mom. I will never stop missing Jason until the day God takes me home. But I do not grieve as one who has no hope, and it is that hope that sustains me in my darkest hours of grief. How can I ever express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the gift of eternal life thru Jesus? The only way I know how....I will trust Him> I will trust that He will never leave me or forsake me and that the child that I love so dearly is safe in his presence..that being said....it is well, it is well with my soul.

HEAVEN

Tonight is an odd night...I am thinking about Jason and I am almost giddy. As I look at the world and everything that is going on, I can not help but think of Jason. He loved to read his bible, and listen to CNN and read the Jerusalem Times and contemplate what God was doing. Often, it seemed to consume him, but tonight, and tomorrow, and forever he will simply be consumed with Jesus. Sometimes, like tonight, I can sense the sheer joy in his spirit as he listens and becomes one with the music of heaven, as he gazes, in shear awe, at the face of Jesus. Jason yearned for heaven....I never really understood...until now. The past four years have not been easy, yet I have learned more about faith and Jesus and myself than in the fifty-six years that preceded them. And this I know to be true...It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus, life's trials will seem so small, when we see Him, One look at His dear face, all sorrow will erase, IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL...WHEN WE SEE CHRIST. So, I find myself with this anticipation that I have never known before and at least for tonight, it is truly the balm of Gilead to my soul. So I declare with the psalmist....Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is with in me bless his holy name!

Laughter, tears, joy,and sorrow

Laughter, tears, joy and sorrow...those words describe an "normal day" for me. Today the tears came early in the day....seeing Daniela and Isabel last night made me so full of joy...and reminded me of Jason. I awoke this morning and thought about them and their new life...my new life, our new life, a life without Jason. I wonder if those three words will ever not bring trears to my eyes...life without Jason. Isabel is sheer delight and Daniela is just precious. The joy of having them in our lives is priceless....but how oh how I wish Jason was here to love them, and cherish them too. As I share with other mothers who have recently lost their son's, we all seem to ask the same question....can this be real? Is this really my life now? We know the answer, but it is still to painful to accept. As I look to my Heavenly Father for guidance, I know in my spirit, that all is well. Jason is with Him, and we will be too, in His perfect time. In the mean time, His Grace is sufficent, and His mercies are new every morning....so we will all be OK. We can still laugh at the antics of Gabriel and Isabel, we can find joy in spending time together and sharing our lives and our memories of Jason...we can rejoice that one day, we will all spend eternity together and we will never be seperated again,,,,we can live, love, laugh, cry and rejoice that the creator of the universe knows our names, knows our pain and somehow for some reason, he is mindful of us. So, as I promised Jason on his birthday this year, I will remember the joy of his life, more than the sorrow of his death, I will remember the depths of his faith and share the Good News about our Savior rather than dwell on my doubts and unanswered questions and I will continue to declare and believe that God is good...all the time.

The battle rages

There is this dialogue that keeps going on between my mind and my spirit. I know that God has allowed these challenges and sorrows into my life for a reason. I know that His ways are not my ways, but they are much higher than my ways. I know that God allowed, ordained, permitted Jerry's illness and Jason's death...even the manner of his death for a reason. But I do not believe I will ever know that reason. So exactly where does that leave me? My spirit knows the answer....I must trust Him, I must surrender to His will, I must believe that He is who he says He is, I must let go of the one word in my vocabulary that causes me more pain than any other....the word WHY. And that is the word my mind wants to ask, wants to scream into the dark night, wants to sob into the pillow. Yet, I know the answer, my spirit speaks it to me in that still small voice over and over....BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. And then for a time I am still, at peace with creator of the universe and his sovereign will....but only for a while...and then I will look at a picture, or hear a song, or just long to hear his voice or see my loved one walk again....and the battle will once again rage, the WHY will scream out once again.....and once again my spirit will whisper...BE STILL....For me, at least for right now, this is the journey of a grieving mother's heart.....

The heart of a mother

On August 13, 2009, my life, my heart, my world changed forever. One of my four children, left this world and entered into the arms of our precious Jesus. I did not see it coming, I never got to say goodbye. And so, I became a grieving mother. But the journey has taught me more than I ever wanted to know about grief. The grief I feel for the loss of my son, Jason, is indescribable. But there is yet another layer of grief that overwhelms this mothers soul. It is the grief I feel as I listen to the pain in my daughter-in-law's voice as she tells me about a dream or recounts a painful situation that brought her to tears, The grief that I see in my daughter's eyes and hear in her voice and read in her words, as she tries to deal with the loss of a brother, a friend, a fellow believer. And perhaps the most tender grief of all, is the grief of my granddaughter as her little heart breaks day after day over the loss of her uncle, the illness of her grandfather, and the pain she sees in her mothers eyes as tears roll down both of their faces. There are so many layers to grief, so many triggers to pain. Yet, we do not grief as those who have no hope, for we have the absolute confidence that NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD THAT IS FOUND IN CHRIST JESUS. And I say this to all who would hear, I am not separated from that love, He holds me in His arms and comforts me in my sorrow. As a result, it is well, it is well with my soul. And it is with hands stretched towards the night sky and a voice that is quiet but resolute that I sing out into the darkness.....Lord, haste the day, when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll....the trumpet shall resound, the Lord shall descend, praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.

This is all new to me....blogging, sharing, grieving, loss. It is my prayer, that by writing my thoughts, even if no one but me reads them, I can give a voice to my broken heart, and that in turn may help it heal. I have had many losses in my life but they have always been balanced by the many blessings in my life. The day my family buried my father, my first child was born. The year we buried my precious brother-in-law, I found the love of my life. The year my husband was stricken with a catastrophic illness, my son married his beautiful wife. The year my son died...my already bruised heart broke. That was last year....just six short months ago. Two weeks ago, my beautiful granddaughter Abigail was born...and she is a blessing. But for the first time in my life, I can not seem to get past the pain, past the lost, past the grief. I am not swallowed by it....I can still smile at the sheer joy of watching my grandchildren, I am still touched every time my husband or one of my children or grandchildren say "I love you" with an inflection in their voice that lets me know that they really mean it, I can still laugh at that which is absurd or silly or funny....but always, there is the sorrow just below the surface....waiting for that memory that will bring the tears flowing from my eye. I am struggling with God's purpose and plan for my life...yet even now, I am confident that He will reveal them to me in His perfect time. If he was a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief, and I desire to be like Him, why should I question the purpose of sorrow and grief in my own life....surely it is the path to Him...and truly that is where I want to go....to Him. He will never leave me or forsake me...He has promised...and it is so. So perhaps, one day, I will be able to embrace this sorrow, in order that I might see the world through not my tear filled eyes, but through His tear filled eyes, and on that day, I am quite sure that his plan and purpose for my grief will be clear.