The cry of my heart

It is after midnight...the night and I have become good friends since Jerry got sick and Jason died. Sleep does not come easily so I find myself filling the hours between 11pm and 3am with reading, writing, praying, crying, thinking....usually in that order. Tonight is no different. I so want to know the mind of God. I so want to understand what would please Him. I know there is purpose in all of this sorrow, all of this confusion. But what? What can you do with all of this, with me, Lord, that might in some way, any way advance your kingdom, or have purpose in the eternal? You, who formed the earth, why is it that you are even mindful of me? Your word says you are, so I believe you...but why? What can this humble life do that can make any difference at all? I really want to know, really I do. I can feel the hurting all around me, I can sense the pain in so many lives, but what would you have me do? The world is in a terrible way and I want to help, but what would you have me do? I do not want to miss the mark...I do not want to fail you, Lord. I am so totally inadequate....so all I can do is pray...Lord, take my life and use it, as you see fit. I will not ask not to suffer, or be in pain, just use this life for your glory. This life is so fleeting, so very short, please, let my life count for something in your kingdom...so I will do the only thing I know to do...I will keep my eyes on Jesus, I will point any and all to you, Jesus, dear, Jesus. I will say, Trust Him, believe Him, Love Him....for He alone is worthy...and Lord, I will trust you, and believe you, and Love you...for truly you alone are worthy. It is all I know to do....but if just one will hear, if just one will listen, if just one will trust....it will have been worth it..the pain, the sorrow, the confusion....I pray there is at least one....