The unexpected road

Today I turn 61 years old....man that sounds old. I am not living the life I expected to live at this age. Like many others of my generation, I expected that Jerry and I would be working a little, traveling a little, spending lots of time with our children and grandchildren, be in a position to go on missions trips and find ways to serve others here in our community. I never imagined that I would be a full time caregiver for my precious husband, nor could I have ever imagined I would have returned one of my beautiful children back into the arms of his creator. I do not have any regrets in my life, just some unfulfilled dreams. But they were my dreams, not God's, they were my plans, not His. Yet, I am thankful that Jerry is still at my side and I am able to help him with the difficult journey that has become his life. I am thankful that I had 32 wonderful years with Jason and that he brought Daniela and Isabel and her whole family into our lives. I am grateful for my children ( Matt, Tara and Dan) and the children my heart has adopted ( Shane, Daniela, Heather and Maria) and all my beautiful grandchildren. I am grateful for all the friends that have blessed my life in the family of God . Life has taught me that we never know when God may call us home, and I have learned to have my lamp filled with oil and I await the coming of the Lord with great anticipation. Until that time, I am humbled by the love and mercy that God has shown to Jerry and me. Truly, God is good, all the time and his mercies are new every morning and they endure forevermore. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm not the great fixer....HE is.

I spend a portion of every day communicating with others who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is a most difficult journey and many are struggling with grief and guilt and pain. I am shocked by the sadness in this world, the never ending sorrow. Every day I wish I could ease their pain or lighten their burden. But somewhere in this journey, I have come to a place of surrender. Not just about Jason's death, but about Jerry's difficult journey. I have come to accept that I am not the great fixer, the one who makes it all better, the one who has to do it or no one else will. For some reason I got myself and my role in this universe confused with God, and His sovereign place in my life. I look back on the events that preceded Jason's death, and I realize that we all did everything we could to keep Jason with us. I do not believe that any child was loved more than Jason was, that any brother was loved more that Jason was, that any husband was loved more than Jason was.....that being said, all that love could not change what happened to Jason. Likewise, I look at Jerry's journey and say the same things...I do not believe any man has known a love any greater than the love I have for Jerry, I do not believe any children were ever more attentive and loving and giving than our children were to Jerry and yet all that love did not alter the course that God has ordained for his life. So, I have learned that it is not God that has changed in the past five years, it is me. It is not God who has failed in the fast five years, it is me....for I was foolish enough to believe that my love was enough to alter the course ordained for Jason and Jerry, when in fact, God's love did not just have Jerry and Jason in His plans, but me and Daniela and Tara, and Matt and Dan and untold others. So, after 61 years of life, I am beginning to redefine who I am in Christ and what my purpose is on this journey we call life. I do know this, I am glad to be free of the responsibility to fix everything, to make everything better.....I gladly hand that over to our creator, knowing that He is far more able to accomplish His purpose if I stay out of His way. I do not know how long I will be on this earth, or how long Jerry will be here, but I am confident of this....that there awaits a new earth for all of us who believe, where Jesus will rule and reign and all of our current sorrows will be no more....and I look forward to that day with great anticipation.