It is well with my soul

At Jason's memorial service we closed with my favorite hymn...It is well with my soul. The words play over and over in my mind....

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrow like sea billows roll,
What ever my lot, thou has taugh me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.

My sin oh the bliss of that glorious thought, My sin NOT IN PART BUT THE WHOLE,
IS NAILED TO THE CROSS, AND I BEAR IT NO MORE, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, Haste the day, when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back like a scroll.
The trumpet shall resound and the Lord shall decend...praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.

What comfort those words give me...what peace in the middle of this storm. Every mother who has lost a child understands how sorrow rolls over her soul like the huge waves in the sea. As one who believes in Jesus and finished work of the cross, I rejoice that the day is coming, when I will be reunited with Jason in the presence of Jesus. Because of that truth, and that alone, even on the days when my heart is breaking and I think that the pain of this loss will cause my heart to simply stop, I can look to the sky and say, Lord, it is well with my soul. The challenge is trying to wrap this very earthly, mother's mind around the fact that her son will never walk thru her door, or hug her neck, or simply say, I love you, Mom. I will never stop missing Jason until the day God takes me home. But I do not grieve as one who has no hope, and it is that hope that sustains me in my darkest hours of grief. How can I ever express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the gift of eternal life thru Jesus? The only way I know how....I will trust Him> I will trust that He will never leave me or forsake me and that the child that I love so dearly is safe in his presence..that being said....it is well, it is well with my soul.

HEAVEN

Tonight is an odd night...I am thinking about Jason and I am almost giddy. As I look at the world and everything that is going on, I can not help but think of Jason. He loved to read his bible, and listen to CNN and read the Jerusalem Times and contemplate what God was doing. Often, it seemed to consume him, but tonight, and tomorrow, and forever he will simply be consumed with Jesus. Sometimes, like tonight, I can sense the sheer joy in his spirit as he listens and becomes one with the music of heaven, as he gazes, in shear awe, at the face of Jesus. Jason yearned for heaven....I never really understood...until now. The past four years have not been easy, yet I have learned more about faith and Jesus and myself than in the fifty-six years that preceded them. And this I know to be true...It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus, life's trials will seem so small, when we see Him, One look at His dear face, all sorrow will erase, IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL...WHEN WE SEE CHRIST. So, I find myself with this anticipation that I have never known before and at least for tonight, it is truly the balm of Gilead to my soul. So I declare with the psalmist....Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is with in me bless his holy name!

Laughter, tears, joy,and sorrow

Laughter, tears, joy and sorrow...those words describe an "normal day" for me. Today the tears came early in the day....seeing Daniela and Isabel last night made me so full of joy...and reminded me of Jason. I awoke this morning and thought about them and their new life...my new life, our new life, a life without Jason. I wonder if those three words will ever not bring trears to my eyes...life without Jason. Isabel is sheer delight and Daniela is just precious. The joy of having them in our lives is priceless....but how oh how I wish Jason was here to love them, and cherish them too. As I share with other mothers who have recently lost their son's, we all seem to ask the same question....can this be real? Is this really my life now? We know the answer, but it is still to painful to accept. As I look to my Heavenly Father for guidance, I know in my spirit, that all is well. Jason is with Him, and we will be too, in His perfect time. In the mean time, His Grace is sufficent, and His mercies are new every morning....so we will all be OK. We can still laugh at the antics of Gabriel and Isabel, we can find joy in spending time together and sharing our lives and our memories of Jason...we can rejoice that one day, we will all spend eternity together and we will never be seperated again,,,,we can live, love, laugh, cry and rejoice that the creator of the universe knows our names, knows our pain and somehow for some reason, he is mindful of us. So, as I promised Jason on his birthday this year, I will remember the joy of his life, more than the sorrow of his death, I will remember the depths of his faith and share the Good News about our Savior rather than dwell on my doubts and unanswered questions and I will continue to declare and believe that God is good...all the time.

The battle rages

There is this dialogue that keeps going on between my mind and my spirit. I know that God has allowed these challenges and sorrows into my life for a reason. I know that His ways are not my ways, but they are much higher than my ways. I know that God allowed, ordained, permitted Jerry's illness and Jason's death...even the manner of his death for a reason. But I do not believe I will ever know that reason. So exactly where does that leave me? My spirit knows the answer....I must trust Him, I must surrender to His will, I must believe that He is who he says He is, I must let go of the one word in my vocabulary that causes me more pain than any other....the word WHY. And that is the word my mind wants to ask, wants to scream into the dark night, wants to sob into the pillow. Yet, I know the answer, my spirit speaks it to me in that still small voice over and over....BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. And then for a time I am still, at peace with creator of the universe and his sovereign will....but only for a while...and then I will look at a picture, or hear a song, or just long to hear his voice or see my loved one walk again....and the battle will once again rage, the WHY will scream out once again.....and once again my spirit will whisper...BE STILL....For me, at least for right now, this is the journey of a grieving mother's heart.....

The heart of a mother

On August 13, 2009, my life, my heart, my world changed forever. One of my four children, left this world and entered into the arms of our precious Jesus. I did not see it coming, I never got to say goodbye. And so, I became a grieving mother. But the journey has taught me more than I ever wanted to know about grief. The grief I feel for the loss of my son, Jason, is indescribable. But there is yet another layer of grief that overwhelms this mothers soul. It is the grief I feel as I listen to the pain in my daughter-in-law's voice as she tells me about a dream or recounts a painful situation that brought her to tears, The grief that I see in my daughter's eyes and hear in her voice and read in her words, as she tries to deal with the loss of a brother, a friend, a fellow believer. And perhaps the most tender grief of all, is the grief of my granddaughter as her little heart breaks day after day over the loss of her uncle, the illness of her grandfather, and the pain she sees in her mothers eyes as tears roll down both of their faces. There are so many layers to grief, so many triggers to pain. Yet, we do not grief as those who have no hope, for we have the absolute confidence that NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD THAT IS FOUND IN CHRIST JESUS. And I say this to all who would hear, I am not separated from that love, He holds me in His arms and comforts me in my sorrow. As a result, it is well, it is well with my soul. And it is with hands stretched towards the night sky and a voice that is quiet but resolute that I sing out into the darkness.....Lord, haste the day, when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll....the trumpet shall resound, the Lord shall descend, praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.

This is all new to me....blogging, sharing, grieving, loss. It is my prayer, that by writing my thoughts, even if no one but me reads them, I can give a voice to my broken heart, and that in turn may help it heal. I have had many losses in my life but they have always been balanced by the many blessings in my life. The day my family buried my father, my first child was born. The year we buried my precious brother-in-law, I found the love of my life. The year my husband was stricken with a catastrophic illness, my son married his beautiful wife. The year my son died...my already bruised heart broke. That was last year....just six short months ago. Two weeks ago, my beautiful granddaughter Abigail was born...and she is a blessing. But for the first time in my life, I can not seem to get past the pain, past the lost, past the grief. I am not swallowed by it....I can still smile at the sheer joy of watching my grandchildren, I am still touched every time my husband or one of my children or grandchildren say "I love you" with an inflection in their voice that lets me know that they really mean it, I can still laugh at that which is absurd or silly or funny....but always, there is the sorrow just below the surface....waiting for that memory that will bring the tears flowing from my eye. I am struggling with God's purpose and plan for my life...yet even now, I am confident that He will reveal them to me in His perfect time. If he was a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief, and I desire to be like Him, why should I question the purpose of sorrow and grief in my own life....surely it is the path to Him...and truly that is where I want to go....to Him. He will never leave me or forsake me...He has promised...and it is so. So perhaps, one day, I will be able to embrace this sorrow, in order that I might see the world through not my tear filled eyes, but through His tear filled eyes, and on that day, I am quite sure that his plan and purpose for my grief will be clear.