The battle rages

There is this dialogue that keeps going on between my mind and my spirit. I know that God has allowed these challenges and sorrows into my life for a reason. I know that His ways are not my ways, but they are much higher than my ways. I know that God allowed, ordained, permitted Jerry's illness and Jason's death...even the manner of his death for a reason. But I do not believe I will ever know that reason. So exactly where does that leave me? My spirit knows the answer....I must trust Him, I must surrender to His will, I must believe that He is who he says He is, I must let go of the one word in my vocabulary that causes me more pain than any other....the word WHY. And that is the word my mind wants to ask, wants to scream into the dark night, wants to sob into the pillow. Yet, I know the answer, my spirit speaks it to me in that still small voice over and over....BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. And then for a time I am still, at peace with creator of the universe and his sovereign will....but only for a while...and then I will look at a picture, or hear a song, or just long to hear his voice or see my loved one walk again....and the battle will once again rage, the WHY will scream out once again.....and once again my spirit will whisper...BE STILL....For me, at least for right now, this is the journey of a grieving mother's heart.....