The Lord giveth and the Lord takes away

My life is a daily reminder of how fleeting our time here on earth is...truly we are like blades of grass, here for a brief season. Every few weeks, I am awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of Jerry struggling to breath. This occurred again, just a couple of nights ago. I do not know what causes these events. I must immediately pull him to a sitting position and try to calm him enough in his fearful struggle to get him breathing again. Like the seizures, this comes with no warning, and always cause my heart to stop for a moment. Like the seizures, this affect his breathing, and always make me wonder, if just for a brief moment, is this the hour that the Lord is calling his name. Jason's death has taught me that I have no control over this life, my life is not my own, and I am learning to say "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord". Each of these frightening events reminds me once again, that our lives are like a vapor, here one moment, gone the next. What comfort I find in scripture where we are assured over and over that this life is fleeting, but we have the promise of eternal life through our faith in Jesus. I could not live with out this hope, I could not rest with out His promises. So I am learning to live one day at a time. I am learning to be thankful for each day, for the gifts of love and laughter and kindness and thoughtfulness that come my way through those around me. I will no longer spend precious moments worrying about tomorrow, for I know it is not promised and may never come. This journey teaches me new things everyday, and I pray they are preparing me for that which is eternal.....for it is all that really matters.

In everything give thanks

As I think about this Memorial Day, I find myself very thankful. I am thankful for all the wonderful, amusing, touching, kind, thoughtful memories I have of Jason and my mother and father and all those who have gone on before me. I am thankful that I worship a living God who has taken them into His presence for safe keeping until I am able to rejoin them. I am thankful that in His infinite mercy, He has surrounded me with a family who loves Him and shares my faith. I am thankful that through all the struggles of life, we have found the truth, and it has indeed set us free. While we still have to deal with loss and sorrow, we are blessed to be called the children of God and stand firm in the promises of God, that one day soon, we shall behold Him. I am thankful that for every painful memory, there are a hundred happy memories, for every sad thought, there are a hundred that bring a smile. Mine is a life that is blessed and I am thankful. As we watch what is going on in the world, I am excited to keep my eyes fixed on the eastern sky, wondering every day...will this be the day of His return. What a wonderful God we serve...

My son, Jason

As Mother's Day draws near, I am drawn to thoughts of my children.This year is different, of course, for one of my precious children will not be here....he has changed his permanent address from North Carolina to Heaven. So while I will be able to speak to all my other children, and hug most of their necks, and tell each of them how much I love them (and feel unspeakable gratitude that I still have three wonderful children and four wonderful "in law children with me).....I can only reach out to Jason in my heart. So, I sit here in the late hours of the night and recall the precious memories that are Jason. Jake ( as we often call him) was my third child...he came almost a month late(like all the others did) and weighed almost ten pounds. He had big blue eyes and blond hair....and when I saw him, it was love at first sight. As a young child, Jake was very curious and rather solitary. He preferred to tear apart the boom box, rather than listen to it....to walk off down the beach alone, instead of building sand castles with the other kids. Jason had the most beautiful blue eyes....and when he was in trouble, he would look at me with those puppy dog eyes, and I would melt. As he grew into a young man, he had a very funny, quirky sense of humor which was equally matched with a serious, intense mind. When he gave his life to Jesus, he sought after Him with the same passion and intensity that he had when he learned to play the piano, or when he built the beautiful harpsichord or studied German. I always said that all of my children were wonderful, but Jason was the most unique. And he was. In adulthood, Jason's passion for a deep relationship with Jesus intensified. In true Ansley fashion, he never really found a job or profession that captured his heart, mind or imagination(Matt being the exception). When He met Daniela, they sought the will of God with great sincerity, and fell in love, and got married. As a couple, they approached every day, every decision, every move by seeking God's will, searching God's word and listening for God's voice. I will never understand the final days of Jason's life on earth, or why the God that we all love so dearly, chose to take him in the manner that he did. But, I trust His will, His plan, His purpose, His love for all of us and for Jason. So this Mother's Day, my sweet son, Jason, will be with my mother, not me....with our Heavenly Father, not Jerry, and with all the sons and daughters of God, not his earthly brothers and sister. His wife will be with us, when she longs to be with him, his daughter will be with us, when she wants to be in her daddy's arms....but we will love them and hold them, and share our love with them until that day when we will all be together with our precious Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for eternity.. I will always be proud to be your mother, Jason.....I love you, I miss you....forever.

I run to the Rock

It will soon be nine months since Jason's death....it seems like he has been gone much longer. I have learned much about life and death, , faith and doubt, love and loss in the past nine months. I have learned to run to the Rock of my salvation, the stone that the builders rejected....and hold fast. If I think about Jason not being here with us, sorrow and grief overwhelm me, but if I think of Jason being in the presence of Jesus, I am content and peaceful. If I think about the last few weeks of Jason's life, I crumble in tears, but if I think about the whole of his life and the beautiful man he was, I am full of joy and appreciation for the time we had with him. When life wants to overtake me, I run to the Rock and I plant my feet firmly on that Rock, and I wrap my arms around the Rock and all is well. Psalms 18 :2 says "The Lord is my Rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge" How very true I have found this to be....Jesus is my refuge, my Rock, my deliverer, my hope, my peace, my joy. So, I run to the Rock and there I find my hiding place....what comfort.