I am His and He is mine

In a world where suffering and sorrow are everywhere, where the very core of everything I believe is being scoffed at and ridiculed....there is a Savior. In the times when my soul cries out for answers that never come ....There is a Savior. When nothing makes sense and my body is so tired I wonder how I can take one more step....There is a Savior.Oh how thankful I am that there is a Savior...and I am His and He is mine. I can never thank Him enough, praise Him enough, worship Him enough but I will try, for I am His and He is mine. It is what gives my life meaning, it is that which raises me up when I am down, it is the very core of my faith, my being, my life. He is my peace, my anchor in this storm of life, the only answer I really need and I am His and He is mine. What an awesome God I serve, what a loving , precious Savior I trust....and I am His and He is mine.....now and forever.

What more could a mother ask?

Something is happening in my soul, but I am not quite sure what it is. I am thinking a lot about heaven these days...not in a "life is so hard I want to go there" way but more in a " I wonder what it is like for Jason in heaven" way. I have also begun to consider things that have never occured to me before....and with these have come freedom.One thought is this..Jason does not need me any more.He does not need my love, for he is in the presence of pure, perfect love. He does not need my advice, for he has found the wisdom of the ages. He does not need a mother any more, for he has found in God, the perfect mother and father and savior and friend. Therefore, Jason is free, so should I not be free too? Does it really make any sense to spend hours or days grieving when Jason has more than everything he will ever need or want? Should I not be free from the burden of grief, to love, and nurture and care for my husband and children and grandchildren? The answer, of course, is yes....I will have eternity to be with Jesus and Jason, but for right now, I have work to do..here, a husband to care for....here, children and grandchildren to love and nurture....here. To rob myself of the sheer joy of this calling in order to indulge a selfish need to grief, is not who I want to be, it is not who I have been called to be, it is not who I am. I will forever miss Jason...I am his mother and I will always be his mother...but I will lay down my sorrow and live the faith I confess, I will step away from my grief, and love those who still need my love, care for those who still need my care, and fullfill the calling that God has placed on my life. I will not promise an end to the tears...for there will always be tears...but they are for me, not for Jason. And when they come, I will wipe them away, knowing that God sees them, and understands them....then I will go on and do His bidding...taking care of those here one earth with the blessed assurance that even as I care for them here, God is taking perfect care of Jason, in heaven.What more could a mother ask? .What a wonderful God we serve.

When I think of the Cross

I am sitting in the quietness of the night, thinking about Easter. I have always thought of two words when I think of Easter. Death and Resurrection. Actually, I have thought of them more like....death and RESURRECTION. I have never liked to think about the death of the son of God. I have never had much comfort with death. I liked to focus on the Resurrection, because it was joyful and powerful. I have always felt that somehow death was something that happened when you got old. Somehow, in my distorted faith, I believed that my life and the life of my husband and children would be free from the sting of death until old age because I believed right and I lived right. I was wrong. We are all supposed to be dying everyday....dying to self, to our wants and our desires and our selfish ways. And if indeed we are dying to self, it should not be much of a stretch to die in our physical bodies. For if self is gone, then what is left is Jesus, so death is just the natural next step. Everything looks different to me now....since Jerry's illness and Jason's death. Death is not so scary, so obscure.....it is just crossing over from this life, to the next....it is laying down that which is corruptible and taking up that which is incorruptible. That does not scare me anymore. When the Lord calls my name, I am ready to go. Then there is loss....I am still grappling with that one. I remember the day that Jerry coded here at the house.....I remember the occasions when it did not look like he would survive his illness. Part of me was at peace, because he was so sick, and he had endured so much, and it seemed like death would be what was best for him....but then there was the loss.....my loss, living my life without my soulmate....the thought still brings me to tears. And then there was Jason's death....I know he is with Jesus, I know he is perfectly at peace, I know he is safe and happy, I know he is where he longed to be .....but there is the loss.....my loss, Daniela's loss, Jerry's loss, Tara's loss, Matt's loss....I am still struggling with that, still grieving the loss, still missing my child. I feel so very human. And yet, Jesus wept, Jesus sweat blood as he pondered what was going to happen to Him, that part of Jesus that was human struggled too.....and I find comfort in that. I rejoice that Jesus died, and I rejoice that He rose from the grave, and I rejoice that my child is in His presence, and I will be too. So through the tears, my heart is full of pure love and gratitude to a Father that loves me and a Savior that paid the price for my sin and a Holy Spirit that comforts me. I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES and because He lives, I too, shall live for all eternity in His presence.....so today, tonight and always, ,my joy is greater than my grief, my gratitude is greater than my sorrow, and my hope for eternity is greater than my struggle with today. So I will face tomorrow and the next day and the next day knowing that Jesus is Lord, He is Lord of my life and He is good...so very good to me.

Praise Him in the storm

I recently heard this song by Casting Crowns....it is the cry of my heart, it is the challenge of each day, that some how, some way, I can, from the very depths of my soul "Praise Him in the Storm"

Praise Him in the storm, by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God,
that you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again, I say amen
and it is still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
and as your mercy falls
I lift my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in the storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who you say You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You have never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in the storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find you

and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I am with you"
and again your mercy falls
so I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

AND I PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM

I believe that the only way out of this storm, is to fix my eyes on the author and finisher of my faith, and not because I feel like it, and not because it is the right thing to do.....but simply because He is worthy....I will praise Him in the storm...trusting that He is who He says He is, and He loves me, and He is at my side, lifting me when I fall....so I will praise HIM in this storm.

The journey back to joy

For fifty-six years my life was fairly uneventful. I had wonderful parents, a good childhood, teen years that were free of drugs and other dangerous pastimes and then I met Jerry. We married when I was only 22 had our first child a year later, with the next three arriving in the subsequent five years. I had losses, but they were always tempered with blessings. I have always been a thankful child of God. Thankful for my parents and family, thankful for my husband and children, thankful for our health and God's blessings in our lives. I believe I have always been a sympathetic person and a compassionate person. I was saved at a Billy Graham Crusade when I was in my early teens and have sought the Lord since then. So four years and six months ago, when Jerry became desperately ill, I believed that God was testing my faith. In the first year of Jerry's illness, my faith was tested beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But day by day, month by month, year by year, we settled into an acceptance that God's ways were not our ways, and He had a reason for not raising Jerry up and restoring him to his former good health. It was a difficult journey to get to that place, but we were getting there, and then the unthinkable, the unimaginable happened. On August 13th, 2008 Jason left his mortal body and went home to be with Jesus. We were not prepared. We had not recovered from Jerry's illness, we were still struggling to deal with disabilities and financial devastation.....and Jason died. And so did my joy. So now, after weeks and months of trying to come to terms with this loss, I am beginning to ask, Lord, how do I regain my joy? Your word says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is how I know I have lost my joy....I do not feel strong any more. I am tired, so very tired.
Years ago I saw this written somewhere JOY = Jesus, Others, Yourself. And I believe that is true. I know what must be done, I know what is being asked. Jesus wants to be first in my life. It is no longer negotiable. Jerry can't come first, the kids can't come first , the grand kids can't be first.....it has to be Jesus...and until it is, the joy will not be restored. I am guilty, guilty as charged. Jesus has not always been first in my life. I wanted Him to be, but he was not. I wish it had not taken such loss to teach me this lesson. I wish I could have learned how inadequate my relationship with Jesus was without the devastation to Jerry and the loss of Jason. But now, I just hope and pray that I can find my way to the foot of the cross, and look up and truly see the face of the Lord I have professed to love these many years. I pray that I can put Him first. And in doing that, I will need to lay down the sorrow and the grief and the cares and the worries and believe what I have confessed for over forty years....That Jesus Christ is Lord, He is my Lord, and He is more than enough.