When I think of the Cross

I am sitting in the quietness of the night, thinking about Easter. I have always thought of two words when I think of Easter. Death and Resurrection. Actually, I have thought of them more like....death and RESURRECTION. I have never liked to think about the death of the son of God. I have never had much comfort with death. I liked to focus on the Resurrection, because it was joyful and powerful. I have always felt that somehow death was something that happened when you got old. Somehow, in my distorted faith, I believed that my life and the life of my husband and children would be free from the sting of death until old age because I believed right and I lived right. I was wrong. We are all supposed to be dying everyday....dying to self, to our wants and our desires and our selfish ways. And if indeed we are dying to self, it should not be much of a stretch to die in our physical bodies. For if self is gone, then what is left is Jesus, so death is just the natural next step. Everything looks different to me now....since Jerry's illness and Jason's death. Death is not so scary, so obscure.....it is just crossing over from this life, to the next....it is laying down that which is corruptible and taking up that which is incorruptible. That does not scare me anymore. When the Lord calls my name, I am ready to go. Then there is loss....I am still grappling with that one. I remember the day that Jerry coded here at the house.....I remember the occasions when it did not look like he would survive his illness. Part of me was at peace, because he was so sick, and he had endured so much, and it seemed like death would be what was best for him....but then there was the loss.....my loss, living my life without my soulmate....the thought still brings me to tears. And then there was Jason's death....I know he is with Jesus, I know he is perfectly at peace, I know he is safe and happy, I know he is where he longed to be .....but there is the loss.....my loss, Daniela's loss, Jerry's loss, Tara's loss, Matt's loss....I am still struggling with that, still grieving the loss, still missing my child. I feel so very human. And yet, Jesus wept, Jesus sweat blood as he pondered what was going to happen to Him, that part of Jesus that was human struggled too.....and I find comfort in that. I rejoice that Jesus died, and I rejoice that He rose from the grave, and I rejoice that my child is in His presence, and I will be too. So through the tears, my heart is full of pure love and gratitude to a Father that loves me and a Savior that paid the price for my sin and a Holy Spirit that comforts me. I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES and because He lives, I too, shall live for all eternity in His presence.....so today, tonight and always, ,my joy is greater than my grief, my gratitude is greater than my sorrow, and my hope for eternity is greater than my struggle with today. So I will face tomorrow and the next day and the next day knowing that Jesus is Lord, He is Lord of my life and He is good...so very good to me.