The journey back to joy

For fifty-six years my life was fairly uneventful. I had wonderful parents, a good childhood, teen years that were free of drugs and other dangerous pastimes and then I met Jerry. We married when I was only 22 had our first child a year later, with the next three arriving in the subsequent five years. I had losses, but they were always tempered with blessings. I have always been a thankful child of God. Thankful for my parents and family, thankful for my husband and children, thankful for our health and God's blessings in our lives. I believe I have always been a sympathetic person and a compassionate person. I was saved at a Billy Graham Crusade when I was in my early teens and have sought the Lord since then. So four years and six months ago, when Jerry became desperately ill, I believed that God was testing my faith. In the first year of Jerry's illness, my faith was tested beyond anything I could have ever imagined. But day by day, month by month, year by year, we settled into an acceptance that God's ways were not our ways, and He had a reason for not raising Jerry up and restoring him to his former good health. It was a difficult journey to get to that place, but we were getting there, and then the unthinkable, the unimaginable happened. On August 13th, 2008 Jason left his mortal body and went home to be with Jesus. We were not prepared. We had not recovered from Jerry's illness, we were still struggling to deal with disabilities and financial devastation.....and Jason died. And so did my joy. So now, after weeks and months of trying to come to terms with this loss, I am beginning to ask, Lord, how do I regain my joy? Your word says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is how I know I have lost my joy....I do not feel strong any more. I am tired, so very tired.
Years ago I saw this written somewhere JOY = Jesus, Others, Yourself. And I believe that is true. I know what must be done, I know what is being asked. Jesus wants to be first in my life. It is no longer negotiable. Jerry can't come first, the kids can't come first , the grand kids can't be first.....it has to be Jesus...and until it is, the joy will not be restored. I am guilty, guilty as charged. Jesus has not always been first in my life. I wanted Him to be, but he was not. I wish it had not taken such loss to teach me this lesson. I wish I could have learned how inadequate my relationship with Jesus was without the devastation to Jerry and the loss of Jason. But now, I just hope and pray that I can find my way to the foot of the cross, and look up and truly see the face of the Lord I have professed to love these many years. I pray that I can put Him first. And in doing that, I will need to lay down the sorrow and the grief and the cares and the worries and believe what I have confessed for over forty years....That Jesus Christ is Lord, He is my Lord, and He is more than enough.