The longer I serve Him, the sweeter he grows.

My mind has been all over the place the past few days. I find songs of faith singing in my soul. Old songs that I sang twenty years ago....like Gaithers...The Longer I serve Him, the sweeter He grows. Old hymns like Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus... It is true, you know. There is a sweetness that comes from sorrow. I can not explain it.
I have experienced various emotions since Jason died...rarely if ever anger. I am sad but not angry. How can I be angry when Jason is with Jesus? How can I be angry when I think of the beautiful person he was, the depth of his love for Jesus, and Jerry, and me, and Daniela, and Isabel, and Tara and Matt and Dan and on and on? How can I be angry with a God who blessed me to be his mother for 32 years and gave me million memories that are good and funny and tender and outrageous and sweet, compared with those few, hard painful memories of his last days? It is often the sweetness of the memories that bring the greatest flood of tears. When I think of Jason holding Isabel, the look of total tenderness and adoration for his precious baby..the sweetness of that moment makes me sad. When I think of the day before he went to the hospital and he took me outside to tell me to take care of Jerry...that he was worried that all the stress of what he himself was going thru was not good for his dad's recovery....it was so tender, so sweet, and it makes me so sad. For those sweet moments and the funny moments and the "fife moments and a million others are what I miss about Jason....but I am not angry, just sad. For the sweetness I saw in Jason, was the sweetness I see in Jesus. The love I saw in Jason, Jason got from his love for Jesus. So I will take the sweetness with the sorrow and be thankful...both are a gift, both are creating in me, who God wants me to be...I hope there is some of that sweetness in me...Please ,Lord, let there be some of that sweetness in me.